Newsflash: I Might Be A Dude

Back in college, one of my friends used to always say I was, "half man, half amazing".  I was never offended by this statement, but now I'm starting to realize he may have been onto something.

As of late, I find myself saying or doing things that only someone with a Y chromosome and testicles would say or do.  For example, I was driving behind a horrific driver yesterday and started getting visibly frustrated, even irate, at their inability to drive.  After a few flashes of the high beams, I maneuvered around Jimmy Stewart only to see that the person behind the wheel was a female.  Rather than empathizing with my gender and thinking, "maybe she has three screaming kids in the back of her minivan who are distracting her and therefore, preventing her from driving properly", I instead think, "Of course it's a female.  They're the worst f'ing drivers.  I wish they would all just get off the road."  Apparently, I then decided to grab my crotch and put my hands down my pants while driving.  Because that's what guys do.  

Another example, I was at J.Crew today purchasing a few new items for the upcoming warm weather.  I head to the register to purchase my new clothing and start making small talk with the cashier, a female.  She attempted to make some joke, which was highly lame.  A girl would just laugh to make it less awkward and then walk away; however, I, a possible dude trapped in a girl's body, did something far different.  What did I do?  I smiled and winked at her.  Yes, I winked.  It was one of those things that I didn't even know I did until I had already walked away.  I cringed with embarrassment, especially because I was wearing shorts with sneakers and my hair pulled back - not my most "feminine" moment.  I considered walking back to her and apologizing for winking, but I realized that would have made things ten times creepier.  Who winks at a girl?  Guys do.  

Here are a couple other clues that lead me to believe I'm a guy:

 - I refuse to attend sporting events with girls.  They don't pay attention, but instead talk about things that have nothing to do with the game being played a mere 20 feet away from them.  Infuriating.

 - Sometimes I think it would be cool to hang out with Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Matt Damon.  Notice that I said, "hang out with", not "sleep with".  

So there you have it, I am a dude.  Apparently what I thought was a chest is just a really bad case of man boobs.  

My Top Five Favorite Movies

Before delving into the real reason for this post, I'd like to apologize to my readers for failing to post anything over the past two weeks.  And to my Mexican fan base, I'd like to say, "lo siento y espero que el swine flu es no mas."  I can't promise this won't happen again, but I can promise that my posts will NEVER be as funny as this site - www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com.  

But I digress.

There are certain questions you always try to avoid.  For one, I always cringe when my aunt asks me at Christmas dinner why I don't have a boyfriend.  I've mastered the quick response and typically like to go with, "Because I put out too soon".

Another question I like to avoid is, "What are your top five favorite movies?"  It seems like a relatively harmless question, but I actually hate this one more than any other question you could ask me.  A "favorite movie" list, in my opinion, is very telling.  It's a window into a person's life, personality, likes, dislikes, sense of humor, etc... which is why I typically like to respond with, "I haven't seen a movie since Batteries Not Included.  I didn't think they would make 'em much better than that."  

But now I'm realizing that it may be time for me to prepare a solid list of my Top Five Favorite Movies and I thought there was no better place to announce this list then here on my blog.  I thought long and hard about this list and really hope that my four-person fan base provides the positive feedback I'm looking for in order to bring this list out to the general public.

So, here is my list of my five favorite movies, in no particular order.    

#1 - Goonies.  If Brangelina had a baby and it came out as a movie, it would be Goonies.  It's just that perfect.  I'm not sure there's any other movie in this universe that can be considered excellent all while including the following characters:  a heavily stereotyped Asian (good at inventing things - obviously), a fat kid ridiculed by his skinny friends, an asthmatic pre-teen, a high school cheerleader, an Italian mother who only has half a tongue, a physically deformed (and neglected) creature and a pirate.  All I know is that I'm fully prepared to quit my job and dedicate this summer to finding One Eyed Willy and his treasure-filled ship.  The only difference is that I won't be giving my jewels to anyone's father in order to avoid foreclosure.  F the house - momma's gonna buy a brand new car.  

#2 - Braveheart.  It took me the better part of 26 years to actually see this movie (really, only 13 years because it came out in 1995).  But now that I have, I'm proud to put this movie on my top 5 list.  For those who haven't seen it, Braveheart is a romantic comedy starring Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey, where Matthew McConaughey's character bets his coworkers he can get a girl to fall in love with him in 10 days.  Oh wait, that's not Braveheart?  Well then, I'm not sure Braveheart makes my top 5 anymore.

#3 - Anchorman.  Don't even talk to me if a Will Ferrell movie doesn't make your top 5, although Semi-Pro doesn't count.  That movie sucks.  But Old School, Stepbrothers and Zoolander are all acceptable.  60% of the time, it works every time.  

#4 - Indiana Jones (Temple of Doom and Last Crusade - F you "Raiders of the Lost Ark"). To me, Indiana Jones is a grown up version of Goonies.  The movie plots are highly unrealistic, yet highly awesome.  Some examples:

Goonies - "hey Andy, play the wrong keys on this piano and everyone will die."  As if Daddy's pressure to get into an Ivy League school wasn't enough for Andy.  

Indiana Jones - "drink out of the wrong cup and your body will disintegrate on site.  But drink out of the right one and that water will heal your father's gunshot wound." I deal with this issue on a daily basis.  I get it. 

Goonies - "don't worry, my newly invented slick shoes will definitely prevent the Fratelli brothers from making it across this log."  Data, your silly invention won't work this time.  Oh wait, it did!  We knew being friends with an Asian would pay off eventually.

Indiana Jones - "stand still, I'm going to touch your chest, chant something and rip your heart out.  It won't hurt at all."  My brother tried this once and it almost worked.  He stopped because he thought it was a bad idea to kill one of his friends on a playdate after school.

Goonies - "I speak fluent spanish in the beginning of the movie, yet I can't figure out what the cleaning lady is saying when she's screaming, 'no firmen!' at the end of the movie."  Oddly, I find this one to be the most unrealistic.

You get the point.  

#5 - Enemy of the State.  You can laugh at me all you want for this selection, but I love me a good political drama.  I was hoping this movie won a few awards in order to validate my selection; however, the most reputable award it was nominated for was an MTV Movie Award.  And it didn't even win.  Whatever.

Other top 5 contenders:

 - Shawshank Redemption

 - The Illusionist

 - The Dark Knight

 - Beverly Hills Chihuahua 

 - Back to the Future

 - Die Hard 3

 - Happy Gilmore (or a comparable Adam Sandler movie)

 - Legends of the Fall

I'm kidding about one of these movies.  You figure it out.

Oh, and one more thing. I used the word "list" five times in three consecutive sentences in this post.  Just thought I'd call that out before someone else did.  List.  

Are You There God? It's Me...Katie

For those that know the real book, "Are You There God?  It's Me, Margaret" by Judy Blume, you probably know that the story follows a young Margaret as she deals with issues plaguing every young female.  It's a must read for all girls from 10-12...or in my case, when I was 22.  And now that I've finally dealt with the issues addressed in this novel, I'm wondering where the hell Judy Blume's next book is.  You know, the one that deals with the traumatizing question all single people in their mid-to-late 20's ask:

How does this man have a significant other yet I'm currently not dating someone?  The book would be called, "Are You There God?  It's Me, Katie....and I'm Wondering Why You Hate Me So Much."  

Seriously, as my friend Liz pointed out while WATCHING the documentary about this man, not only does this guy have a girlfriend, but he has a girlfriend who picks up his rolls of fat and cleans out the areas that haven't been in contact with sunlight for 10-12 years.  I just threw up, partly because I envisioned myself cleaning his rolls, but mostly because I throw up when I feel bad for myself.

I'm sure all of you are thinking the following:

1) Are you really that vain?  The answer is yes.  No one that weighs 7 times more than me should be dating someone when I'm not.

2) Maybe his girlfriend is morbidly obese.  The answer is no.  She's actually of a respectable weight.  And she's cute. 

I'm 2.5 years away from being 30.  This guy is 6 months away from a heart attack.  Who has it worse?  I'm not really sure.  

Things That Are Awesome: Coulats. "The Grind" Workout Video. And This Blog.

When I was 12 years old, all I wanted was a sweatshirt from the trendy boutique in town that said, "Armonk, NY 10504" on it...a play on the name of that cleverly titled show, Beverly Hills, 90210.  Was the sweatshirt particularly flattering or made of a high quality material?  No.  But I liked it because everyone else had one.  Fast forward 15 years and my desire for that sweatshirt eerily reminds me of my desire to start a blog.  Do I think my blog will flatter my figure or be made of high quality material?  Probably not.  But I'm doing it because everyone else does.  Plus, my therapist said it's a good way for me to express myself.    

Readers, I'm going to open up to all four of you.  Really lay it all out there.  I'm scared.  I'm scared that Mr. Holland's Opus will never get the credit it deserves as one of the greatest movies of all time.  But more than that, I'm concerned that this blog will forever consume my life.  

As of today, I'm 27, I own a dog, a condo and have a respectable job at a real estate company.  Yet as of tomorrow, I will no longer focus on work, but instead on this blog.  What was once a promising career in real estate will turn into a casual hobby.  And what was once supposed to be a fun hobby will turn into an obsession.  A horrible obsession with blogging that will lead to unemployment, homelessness, a love of felines...and prostitution.  Mark my words, it will happen.  

Until that day occurs, let's just focus on what's really important: my blog.  I truly foresee that this site will create the same sort of hysteria as the swine flu, although I will see an immediate drop in readership due to my strong popularity in Mexico.  Crap.

Innovative.  Groundbreaking.  F'ing stupendous.  Just a few words that will never be used to describe this site.  

Next post - the literary works of Shel Silverstein.  Brush up on A Light in the Attic over the next few days.