Newsflash: I Might Be A Dude

Back in college, one of my friends used to always say I was, "half man, half amazing".  I was never offended by this statement, but now I'm starting to realize he may have been onto something.

As of late, I find myself saying or doing things that only someone with a Y chromosome and testicles would say or do.  For example, I was driving behind a horrific driver yesterday and started getting visibly frustrated, even irate, at their inability to drive.  After a few flashes of the high beams, I maneuvered around Jimmy Stewart only to see that the person behind the wheel was a female.  Rather than empathizing with my gender and thinking, "maybe she has three screaming kids in the back of her minivan who are distracting her and therefore, preventing her from driving properly", I instead think, "Of course it's a female.  They're the worst f'ing drivers.  I wish they would all just get off the road."  Apparently, I then decided to grab my crotch and put my hands down my pants while driving.  Because that's what guys do.  

Another example, I was at J.Crew today purchasing a few new items for the upcoming warm weather.  I head to the register to purchase my new clothing and start making small talk with the cashier, a female.  She attempted to make some joke, which was highly lame.  A girl would just laugh to make it less awkward and then walk away; however, I, a possible dude trapped in a girl's body, did something far different.  What did I do?  I smiled and winked at her.  Yes, I winked.  It was one of those things that I didn't even know I did until I had already walked away.  I cringed with embarrassment, especially because I was wearing shorts with sneakers and my hair pulled back - not my most "feminine" moment.  I considered walking back to her and apologizing for winking, but I realized that would have made things ten times creepier.  Who winks at a girl?  Guys do.  

Here are a couple other clues that lead me to believe I'm a guy:

 - I refuse to attend sporting events with girls.  They don't pay attention, but instead talk about things that have nothing to do with the game being played a mere 20 feet away from them.  Infuriating.

 - Sometimes I think it would be cool to hang out with Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Matt Damon.  Notice that I said, "hang out with", not "sleep with".  

So there you have it, I am a dude.  Apparently what I thought was a chest is just a really bad case of man boobs.